Monday, April 26, 2010

Could this be

I sit in my computer chair wondering if this is where I am supposed to be. I sometimes feel like I'm on the outside looking in! It gets frustrating at times.

I have daycare. I have T who is 13 weeks olds. M and T are 4 1/2 months and 2 1/2 years old, I have YY who just turned 1, and D his brother just turned 2. I have J who is going to be 5 in June and A who is going to be 4 in August and my own Karrea who is going to be 5 in November. I have some siblings in between there too.

Now mind you my house is noisy, stinky and messy at times. By 5:30 Pm my house is doing pretty good, but my brain is fried from crabby YY to screaming "eagles" and messy marvins. My day starts at 8:00 sometimes earlier. (If I take Shai to Seminary I go and get a work out and that means my day starts at 6:30am)

I am not where I want to be in church. I liked serving and teaching and preparing lessons on a weekly basis. I loved standing there in Walmart wondering what "gift" I could give to someone in need or the girls I was teaching. I never complained about the hours I put into girls camp, or lessons, or activities we did. (at least I don't remember doing that) (I know someone who does that, you will tell them Hey great night, beautiful decorations and they will go on and on how they had NO help and blah blah blah and then the spirit leaves the room. Makes you wonder if they just do it for show.)

Question to self........are those that are called to serve the complainers? The ones that HF needs to learn a lesson.....a lesson of serving with LOVE, their heart is in the work? I guess I better work on LOVING to play the choir piano. :D

Am I just supposed to be happy serving in this place I call home. When I do that I feel gratified for a few minutes. Then the message plays in my ears (you are not enough, you don't do enough, you don't have enough money, you are not giving enough to this wedding, you are not playing with the kids enough, you are not cooking good enough, etc) DISCOURAGEMENT comes quick to me when I just have gratification at home. I don't need spirit just feels lack of respect lately.

When my spirit feels a pull, I sit and stew and ponder on what lessons I need to learn. Or what lessons I need to teach. Maybe I should have finished my Physical Fitness teaching degree, maybe I would be more respected. Respect can't be demanded I know that. You would think of all the things I do for Ron and my children that it would come automatic, but trust me IT DOESN'T. I am treated like I'm the dumbest, most annoying person on the planet! It hurts!

A wise person once told me you won't feel appreciated from your children until they are about 30. I found solice in that. Now, how about the husband. I was accused of taking advantage of him the other day. I refuses to believe he said that, but he did. Put me in a tailspin that is for sure, I don't see myself getting out of it for awhile, but I'm trying.

My spirit has felt betrayed lately. I don't think I have ever deleted someones comment to me on Facebook (I know silly social network that makes us feel like we have real friends). When someone does that to you? OUCH. I didn't think what I said was inappropriate or offensive. It was gone. I question said person, they don't know what happened. Sure! Okay! they don't just disappear, that I know of. If they do, please tell me, I'll put the sad feelings behind me. I unfriended said person. I just can't handle the rejection. I'll say, and I get a cold shoulder or a quick HI and snub. But if so and so is coming down the hall its a huge production and smiles and laughs and giggles and blah blah blah. Well, to me that is not a facebook friendly friend. I get pretty private there. Makes me wonder if they just want their nose in my business for a smear campaign later in life when I run for president!

I made an executive decision with Ron last night. He was more heck bent then I was, but I will respect his strong standing. (Regarding Adriennes wedding reception.) I hope I can sleep better now. I don't remember feeling like my parents owed me a wedding......I was happy getting the things that I needed to "get er done" I appreciate all that my step mom and dad did. It was a wonderful time. I worked at McDonalds and U-save trying to make it all balanced out. One regret (sorta) is that I didn't take the money to buy shoes. I wore a pair of socks. When Bev found out she said she would have bought me a pair. Oh well! LOL It was fun. I gave her my colors and that was that. She got the hall, the cake, the flowers, the glasses, and serving knife. and I'm sure a few more things than that. Ron and i showed up (late, cuz we ran out of gas) and Voila........22 years later we are healthy and alive.

I told Adrienne from the beginning after she changed her mind a few times, that I would do the Kearney reception. Just give me your colors and I will come through. On my list and checking it off. I am getting ideas from all over the country. My mind and spirit are swimming. I just have to take a deep breath and do what I need to do. I will consider all the ideas given, but I will do what Ron and I can do (mostly financially because we haven't seen a dime from the marrying couple). If its a Lame reception then it will be a lame reception.

Hey, I could have a hill billy reception. I'm going to check into a slip and slide, a bouncy tent, a beer bong, paper thongs for your feet, silly string and those hill billy fake teefs for everyone! NOW that is what I'm looking forward too. (I'll make sure and yell HO DOWN a few dozen times during the 2 hours we are there).

What is the purpose of a reception anyway? And who are we to judge what kind of reception it is? The spirit will be invited, isn't that what matters?

A few things have changed since I originally wrote this post. I'll just say Heck hit the fan. I called my dad for advice. His advice to me was WASH YOUR HANDS OF THE RECEPTION AND WEDDING.

I talked with A and C a few hours after Dad gave me this advice, when asked What are you going to do about the reception and wedding? I said, I'm not sure, I have a few options. I need to talk to dad first. Now my dad said I should Wash my hands of it all, and Chris POPPED IN BOLDLY and said. "That's fine. We'll do it!" I saw the look on Adrienne's face. I saw the stress BOIL in. I shut my mouth.......I said. Okay. It's yours. Adrienne asked me if I would at least get all the assignments still. I said I would.

She will learn that HE will volunteer many things for over the years. BE READY. haha! I don't know if he really thought of the magnitude of what he just said. So, I'm supposed to just show up to the reception and "be a hoot". Okay. I hate it. This reception reflects who I am too. But I will do it! I will challenge myself. It will kill me, but I will wash my hands, and let them do it themselves!


Barb said...

(((((Hugs, Shay))))). Take a couple of deep breaths and hang in there, it will soon be all over with.

Love ya and am praying for you. I, personally, think you are wonderful! I hope that A is more appreciative of you when she has a chance to grow up a little. As far as C goes, he can take a very long walk on an extremely short pier. LOL

shayster said...

Thanks Barb, I saw this at the right time, and spirit! thank you for the hugs!!!