Even though spring hasn't really sprung, life is starting to begin to make a little sense.
I have been fasting and praying for a break through for Me to Crazy. Things are going pretty good.
I met Elia Gourgouris last year. Bought his C.D. talk and it just laid around my room. Waiting, I suppose until I was ready to hear it. Even though I was wishing it was more for Ron. Shame on me.
This month's fast was dedicated to My Changing this marriage through the Grace that God gives us ALL.
I woke up early Sunday morning and felt like I needed to go to the Hastings Ward by myself. I just wasn't in the mood to fight the kids, or have the kids fighting, and I figured Ron was a big boy, if he wanted to go he would be up and ready to go and ready to help me get everyone ready.
Nobody stirred, so I didn't stir it up.
I left quietly. Leaving an angry old crazy at home. (I didn't know that until after I got home and the kids were like deer with the headlights in their eyes. NO CHURCH TODAY for them, sorry kids. some lessons are hard to learn because they really do effect others.)
On the way out the door for Hastings the Lord whispered to me to find my Elia CD so I searched quietly in my bed shelf. There is was.
I put it in the Grand Prix CD player and listened with full open heart and mind. I was so blessed to have almost an hour to listen and ponder.
I left after church and listened to it again. I hung on every word. Pondering on What God wanted ME to change. I knew. I knew it! I knew GOD KNEW IT. Now, what am I going to do about it.
I got home to wrath. It wasn't pretty. I just shut my mouth and told him it was his choice. I didn't quite know what to say to not make things worse. I took a small nap and tried to get a hold of what I had just learned from Dr. Gourgouris. He talked to us ladies at Time Out For Women but I get so discouraged because you can uplift me til I'm reaching the stars and practically heaven but I come home to (excuse my french friends) HELL! It really does weigh heavy on me at times. I try to fake til I make it, well, I'm a good actress, but NOT THAT GOOD!
I don't have the strength to change myself or anyone for that matter. I did realize that God can and will change anyone if you let him. You have to give him your will! Then he will mold and change you the way you desire.
Monday morning Crazy took Shai to seminary. The CD was in there. I noticed that he sat in the car for awhile. (is he really listening too?)
We both got ready for carpet cleaning and we headed to Hastings (the one hour commute). I brought up the attitude from yesterday and that it didn't feel very good. I mentioned to him that I think we have a surviving marriage and I really desire a Thriving marriage. I asked him if he listened to Dr. Gourgouris and he said he had. (most of it). I asked him if there was anything in the marriage that we needed to change. Of course everything is PERFECT in his eyes. He didn't want anything to change. I started to cry.
I told him about Elia saying that we both have to want a thriving marriage. He agreed to listen and do as Dr. said. I asked him what he wanted me to change. NOTHING! (ugh) I said, okay...can I tell you what I want you to change and what I am willing to change? He said YES. I said...Will you LISTEN TO ME? will you make eye contact, and really listen to me, not just over the magazine or the TV or your mind on a car, etc. I don't feel like I have the strength or energy to repeat myself to a 44 year old man. I do that with the kids and the daycare everyday. It just doesn't seem right or fair. He said he was willing to do that for 7 days! you can do anything for 7 days.
I told him I would be willing to NOT CRITICISE for 7 days!
For 7 days Crazy listened to me and I did NOT criticise. BEST WEEK EVER
I was explaining this briefly to my friend the other day after the YW broadcast that we both watched. I told her when I promised not to criticise it erased the very thought of even keeping track of DUH NESS because I gave up that right to even say anything. It was very freeing! It was very nice to not have to say anything. I didn't have that right because I gave up that right to judge, you could say!
If I find myself back on that path, or making a comment to Crazy, I am quick to apologize. I like who I am now. I don't want that surviving marriage, I want the thriving marriage, and I feel this is the first step in the right directions. Occassionaly I ask Crazy, Are you listening?